I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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