Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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