Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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