you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
