Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
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Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.