All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.