How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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