When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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