They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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