We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
