I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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