yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
