Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
