Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
