i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
