Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
