I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
