i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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