It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
