You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
