What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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