In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
