i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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