There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
