you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
