my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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