I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
