A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
