im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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