Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
