I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize