I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
