Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god it's open bar.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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