I just gift wrapped bread.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
