If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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