Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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