I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
