I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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