70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
