I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
