I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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