I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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