New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
