We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
