then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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