I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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