i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
