I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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