Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
