I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
