It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
