Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ambien. No doubt about it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
