you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
