my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
