i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
