Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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